Inner Glimpse

Credo

2009-03-04T19:30:00.001-08:00

So I've been spending an unhealthy amount of my time thinking lately....what else am I supposed to do now that I don't go to school? (Haha, the irony!) I've been through a lot in my life and I've been wondering at the things I'm going through now and what they could teach me. There's just something to be desired in all of this living and I hope that one day I'll stop wanting it becasue then I'll have it, if you know what I mean. I'd honestly like to float away in an IZ song and just relax in the comfort of it all, forever done with srtuggling and even in the abscence of that, done TRYING, because I'll be ready for that. Thinking of it though, there's no more concrete evidence out there that I need to keep growing than that...it is a purely selfish desire, after all. It's interesting to me that once we've reached the piont of perfection, we want to create worlds and children to care and sacrifice for. All we want is to love selflessly, past logic and even past what others deserve. That's why love is such an important principle to understand, and failing that, LIVE. "Of these, charity is the greates of all.... If ye have not charity, ye have nothing." Love is the fastest way to perfection and the easiest way to grow. In my view, that's why we fumbling humans are allowed to be parents. Nothing brings us to God faster than pure love for our children and the humility brought to us from our knowledge that we can't give our children all the good gifts we'd like to becasue we are flawed. Isn't it intruiging that we don't want rest? That's becasue selflessness is an intrigal part of perfection. Anyways....
I've been thinking that maybe my life is more marvillosa than I'd ever imagined or dared to recognize. I mean, after all these short years, I am SO much more than I ever thoguht I could be. I've cried my eyes out and felt like there've been shards of glass ground into my heart by some relentless, unfeeling hand, and I've loved the people around me with an amazing passion that illuminates their best features and characteristics to the blinding, searing disappearance of their less desirable ones, and I've been loved in that same way (although, rarely, by those outside my family...which for my life right now and in the past, is right, I believe.) I've trasspassed and been forgiven when I've accidently been the relentless, uncaring hand. I've learned how to sing and laugh and stop putting on masks. I ponder. I act. I try, and move forward for that effort. I've learned to be upset in pulic, laugh in private, and lie on my bed hugging teddy bears and dissapiontment to myself until the ache dulls and faces into memory. I've learned to breathe and gallop when needed, to try new, and to my eyes, dangeourous things. I've learned to stretch my boundries, flirting with my comfort zone's border, and most important of all, I've learned that I want to spend the rest of my time here on this earth giving other people the permission, place, and if I can, tools to do the same themselves. There's nothing more exhilarating than that to me. Watching someone else let go and live with thier eyes wide open, stuttereing in awe at the vividness of life! And to know that I've been a part of that.....!"...how great shall be your joy knowing that you have brought save it shall be one soul unto me." Giving others room to be themselves IS that, to me. Even if their existance is calmer or more exhuberant than mine. It is still beautiful beyond my ability to bear!
I remember when I lived in a walled little room inside myself, never letting myself out for a breathe of fresh air. Everything was stale and stagnant inside me, stinking of fear and isolation. And those that gently coaxed me out of my cage! My gratitue for them and their actions will never die down! Each out-loud laugh, each quiet moment of reflection, all of it a priceless, nearly matchless, gift of their love for me. I can only hope to bring others to the opportunity of it. Each part of myself I unchained-with their permission and help-led me closer and closer to God, which is to say, closer and closer to love. I have struggles still, I rebel against goodness on occassion, but overall, encompassing each heady moment of my life, is a knowlegde of life and love and The Supreme Being guiding me lovingly through it all. It's wonderful to let yourself go enough to build self-discipline and restraint, to learn what things are better to wait for or ignore or recklessly take part in.
I remember in my senior year of high school Ruth gave us the assignment to write our personal credos. I was afraid at the time to do so, so I made all kind of excuses to demand my time until it came out that I didn't do the assignment, or didn't do it honestly, dashing off something trite and pleasing (I don't remember anymore). In my mind, I can see the beautiful slashed thorugh green zero I was meant to earn for it. It was like a mark on me, right there on my forehead, or even worse, stamped on each of my actions. I think that since that time I've been testing the waters, trying to see what I believe enough in to make a part of my guiding life's motto. I think I'm ready to write that now, and solidify the values I care most about. I think that's what I've been trying to say tonight.

My Personal Credo

Treat people better than they deserve, so that you may recieve the same room for error when you really need it.

Trust, that you may be trusted.

Strive to understand.

Give the benifit of the doubt.

See the best in everything.

Laugh when you need to. Even more important, CRY when you need to. Give yourself space to feel as you need to.

Be there for others. They'll be there for you.

Don't run faster than you have strength to run. There is only grief to be found in that.

Spend time with your family. Even if you don't really understand thier way of saying it, they love you and want to help.

Trust God. He KNOWS what He's doing and you have no real clue, after all.

Let go of the things that hurt you.

Be as generous as you can, and push that limit often that it may grow.

Simply—
Live the best you can.

(written March 26, 2008)

Let Me Cry.

2009-03-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

So i've been resisitng writing lately...a long while lately. I don't know why. probably becasue I let hte fire die......There's something lacking right now in my life, and it has for such a long itme now
I'd just like to outline my day for you: Up at 7, pray, scripture, iron dress, shave legs, eat, go to meet with my presentation group, give presentation, go to anthro class, almost fait, almost faint, alsmot faint, home and eat, study for tests, go take tests and in the process stay in the testing center for hours...I think it was four, I know it was at least 3. And it was only teo tests...but the one was essays so I guess that makes sense. Start heading home, coem to the library nd use facebook as a devide to distract myelf from whatever it is I'm running from this time.....for a toal of about 5 hours now. My eyes were buring when I woke up, they're killing now
i'm always exhausted and this is why. I feel like I'm drowning in something more pervasie than water, something that's also eating away at my sins...skin...whichever word I meant.
Oh, how I wish for the wings to soar with. Oh how I yearn and turn fitfully for a new way to see the world. i'm really trying, you know, really trying.
I've GOT to let go of self-criticism and compulsive perfectionism. When will I ever learn that I am good enough? I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!!!! I AM GOOD ENOUGH I AM GOOD ENOUGH I AM GOOD ENOUGH! If only screaming that to the world would help.....if only I were brave enought o try it and see if it does. if only I were brave enough to cry in the arms of a friend who's offered, who I don't know but she offered nad I need so much to just let og right now.
I read this and other words like it and I know my perceptions are skwed. They're SO off kelter! I can see that ecven as I say these things....................

...I can see how blessed I am and how wonderful I am and how beautiful and strong and gorgeous on the soft and tender insisde. I see it all but my heart and my head have some deep, abining miscommunication that I don't yet know how to resolve. Sop I see it with my head but don't quite feel it with my heart. And all the pretty girls sitting around me....it just makes me want ot sigh........
Sigh from the depths of my soul, let go, unloose the rubberbans that bind an dblister me. If only I would let myself sob in the library and ignore all those who coem to me so I can just elt myself feeeelll. I don't even know what i'm doing anymore. I love and I love and I love but nothing..no one....never there when I need it...never love...never warm...always, always I'm afraid. It's horrible, horrific. How can one gril be so..explodd is the onyl word I can think of. And I should be in a psych ward, or at least drugged up so that I never feel, but man oh man, I love the times of joy! I love them and miss them even now. WHY can't I......i have to end this. I have to go find help. Friend whom I dont' really now, thank you for your loving heart. I'm going to your house now, where you will hold me an dlet me cry. Please, thats all I need. I just need you to let me cry and let it go with the cleasing of my tears....

(written Oct. 23, 2008)

Never

2009-03-04T19:28:00.000-08:00

The realization hit today....
you plus me no longer equals we.
And how that word used to fall
So, so freely from my lips....
We this, we that, we go to bat....
I suppose I should have seen
the terror in your eyes.
I'm finding nothing more to despise....
We are no longer a we.

It was never meant to be.

(written Oct. 7, 2008)

Excerpt from "Contemplation on a Cold Winter's Night"

2009-03-04T19:27:00.003-08:00

So few people look on the inside
Afraid of what they'll find perhaps?
But I choose to look on the inside
And truly, truly SEE.
Everything's purer on the inside
Gold and light and the warmest kind of sky
Nothing's scary on the inside
Once we scoop out the junk and just SEE.
I wish you could all see my inside,
the purple and scarlet that's me.
I'm astoundingly good on the inside,
So much better than the mortal me.

I SEE so much you on the inside,
so much more than most let themselves see
and the beauty and grandeur
and something much grander
always astonishes me.
Don't hide your inside, your brightest self-star
Pluck it out and hold it up for the world to see
Let out all the inside you've hidden from me
from yourself,
even from Diety.

Live with your inside on your outside
Persist in this painful pose
Gradually, the dots fall off and
the stars stop sticking and
you'll start to SEE too,
all the majesty that's really
and truly
and breathlessly
YOU!

(written Dec. 18, 2008)

Some Old Work

2008-03-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

8.26.07

tremble
shudder
shake
force of thought
pushing
smashing
searching

What am I worth?

What
am
I

worth?
-----

swirling
swirling
swirling
pushing past the lines
I'm outside the box
and everything I create
it misunderstood...
Misunderstood.

And I crawl back in the box
because really,
what the use of being outside
it there's no one there
to stand next to me
with understanding
in their eyes?

So I crawl back in
slowly dying,

more alone inside than out.
-----------
Jiving



Jiving
in and out
of reality

Smiling at a story
laughing at life
flitting around the edges
avoiding the pain
and emphasizing the pleasure

Holding to the good
eradicating the bad

Perhaps this is why I treasure you so,
you natural ability to do all this

Perhaps I should face reality
but who would want to,
with you, the demon-temptress,
beckoning with such a sharp twinkle in your eyes?
-----------
Ah to let go of all the pain
I've caused so many others
Oh to forget the love I've
given far to freely.
oh to be myself.

Oh to be myself!

to drop off the edge of the cliff
Happy for the rough spots
As much as the soft air I'll fall through.

To live life, and not escape it!
-----------
I love zoning out.
------------
How do people live through feeling as much as I do? I don't understand. And like the ring of red on my wrist--holding too tight for too long--how do they erase the past days and weeks and hours and live in the now?
I know I've understood that ability before. I've had it. Everything was clear and life was good, easy.

I don't feel that now.

Set Free

2008-01-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

You make me feel like
I'm six again.

and while I've run ahead
of Mom--that moment before
she reaches the car--
I see this looming hill,
and instead of scaring me,
it excites me, 'cuz I can roll
down it.

And Oh! The freedom
As I lie down on the edge,
tuck my arms and legs in,
and giggle fiercely as
my hair whips around me,
in my face
in my eyes
in my mouth
In circles as I tumble
Down, down, down breathlessly
enthralled by the process
of living.

Turning, tumbling, swirling
rushing from one view
to next--green pokey grass,
flash of blue sky, spark of
sunlight, turn down, puffy
clouds--

You make me feel like
that--all the rush and
exhiliration and daring.

All of it.

Expectation

2008-01-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

puking nausea
vomiting chunks
of untruth
cleansing my system
of all those flashes
of color, light, sound
EXPECTATIONS

I have placed on myself,
on others.

And they all fail.
We all fail,

becoming more of
ourselves
and less of who I thought we were

Less of the beauty
more of the pain

Which of itself is beautiful

But I cling so hard
to my past ideals...

I miss it.