So I've been spending an unhealthy amount of my time thinking lately....what else am I supposed to do now that I don't go to school? (Haha, the irony!) I've been through a lot in my life and I've been wondering at the things I'm going through now and what they could teach me. There's just something to be desired in all of this living and I hope that one day I'll stop wanting it becasue then I'll have it, if you know what I mean. I'd honestly like to float away in an IZ song and just relax in the comfort of it all, forever done with srtuggling and even in the abscence of that, done TRYING, because I'll be ready for that. Thinking of it though, there's no more concrete evidence out there that I need to keep growing than that...it is a purely selfish desire, after all. It's interesting to me that once we've reached the piont of perfection, we want to create worlds and children to care and sacrifice for. All we want is to love selflessly, past logic and even past what others deserve. That's why love is such an important principle to understand, and failing that, LIVE. "Of these, charity is the greates of all.... If ye have not charity, ye have nothing." Love is the fastest way to perfection and the easiest way to grow. In my view, that's why we fumbling humans are allowed to be parents. Nothing brings us to God faster than pure love for our children and the humility brought to us from our knowledge that we can't give our children all the good gifts we'd like to becasue we are flawed. Isn't it intruiging that we don't want rest? That's becasue selflessness is an intrigal part of perfection. Anyways....
I've been thinking that maybe my life is more marvillosa than I'd ever imagined or dared to recognize. I mean, after all these short years, I am SO much more than I ever thoguht I could be. I've cried my eyes out and felt like there've been shards of glass ground into my heart by some relentless, unfeeling hand, and I've loved the people around me with an amazing passion that illuminates their best features and characteristics to the blinding, searing disappearance of their less desirable ones, and I've been loved in that same way (although, rarely, by those outside my family...which for my life right now and in the past, is right, I believe.) I've trasspassed and been forgiven when I've accidently been the relentless, uncaring hand. I've learned how to sing and laugh and stop putting on masks. I ponder. I act. I try, and move forward for that effort. I've learned to be upset in pulic, laugh in private, and lie on my bed hugging teddy bears and dissapiontment to myself until the ache dulls and faces into memory. I've learned to breathe and gallop when needed, to try new, and to my eyes, dangeourous things. I've learned to stretch my boundries, flirting with my comfort zone's border, and most important of all, I've learned that I want to spend the rest of my time here on this earth giving other people the permission, place, and if I can, tools to do the same themselves. There's nothing more exhilarating than that to me. Watching someone else let go and live with thier eyes wide open, stuttereing in awe at the vividness of life! And to know that I've been a part of that.....!"...how great shall be your joy knowing that you have brought save it shall be one soul unto me." Giving others room to be themselves IS that, to me. Even if their existance is calmer or more exhuberant than mine. It is still beautiful beyond my ability to bear!
I remember when I lived in a walled little room inside myself, never letting myself out for a breathe of fresh air. Everything was stale and stagnant inside me, stinking of fear and isolation. And those that gently coaxed me out of my cage! My gratitue for them and their actions will never die down! Each out-loud laugh, each quiet moment of reflection, all of it a priceless, nearly matchless, gift of their love for me. I can only hope to bring others to the opportunity of it. Each part of myself I unchained-with their permission and help-led me closer and closer to God, which is to say, closer and closer to love. I have struggles still, I rebel against goodness on occassion, but overall, encompassing each heady moment of my life, is a knowlegde of life and love and The Supreme Being guiding me lovingly through it all. It's wonderful to let yourself go enough to build self-discipline and restraint, to learn what things are better to wait for or ignore or recklessly take part in.
I remember in my senior year of high school Ruth gave us the assignment to write our personal credos. I was afraid at the time to do so, so I made all kind of excuses to demand my time until it came out that I didn't do the assignment, or didn't do it honestly, dashing off something trite and pleasing (I don't remember anymore). In my mind, I can see the beautiful slashed thorugh green zero I was meant to earn for it. It was like a mark on me, right there on my forehead, or even worse, stamped on each of my actions. I think that since that time I've been testing the waters, trying to see what I believe enough in to make a part of my guiding life's motto. I think I'm ready to write that now, and solidify the values I care most about. I think that's what I've been trying to say tonight.
Treat people better than they deserve, so that you may recieve the same room for error when you really need it.
Trust, that you may be trusted.
Strive to understand.
Give the benifit of the doubt.
See the best in everything.
Laugh when you need to. Even more important, CRY when you need to. Give yourself space to feel as you need to.
Be there for others. They'll be there for you.
Don't run faster than you have strength to run. There is only grief to be found in that.
Spend time with your family. Even if you don't really understand thier way of saying it, they love you and want to help.
Trust God. He KNOWS what He's doing and you have no real clue, after all.
Let go of the things that hurt you.
Be as generous as you can, and push that limit often that it may grow.
Simply—
Live the best you can.
I've been thinking that maybe my life is more marvillosa than I'd ever imagined or dared to recognize. I mean, after all these short years, I am SO much more than I ever thoguht I could be. I've cried my eyes out and felt like there've been shards of glass ground into my heart by some relentless, unfeeling hand, and I've loved the people around me with an amazing passion that illuminates their best features and characteristics to the blinding, searing disappearance of their less desirable ones, and I've been loved in that same way (although, rarely, by those outside my family...which for my life right now and in the past, is right, I believe.) I've trasspassed and been forgiven when I've accidently been the relentless, uncaring hand. I've learned how to sing and laugh and stop putting on masks. I ponder. I act. I try, and move forward for that effort. I've learned to be upset in pulic, laugh in private, and lie on my bed hugging teddy bears and dissapiontment to myself until the ache dulls and faces into memory. I've learned to breathe and gallop when needed, to try new, and to my eyes, dangeourous things. I've learned to stretch my boundries, flirting with my comfort zone's border, and most important of all, I've learned that I want to spend the rest of my time here on this earth giving other people the permission, place, and if I can, tools to do the same themselves. There's nothing more exhilarating than that to me. Watching someone else let go and live with thier eyes wide open, stuttereing in awe at the vividness of life! And to know that I've been a part of that.....!"...how great shall be your joy knowing that you have brought save it shall be one soul unto me." Giving others room to be themselves IS that, to me. Even if their existance is calmer or more exhuberant than mine. It is still beautiful beyond my ability to bear!
I remember when I lived in a walled little room inside myself, never letting myself out for a breathe of fresh air. Everything was stale and stagnant inside me, stinking of fear and isolation. And those that gently coaxed me out of my cage! My gratitue for them and their actions will never die down! Each out-loud laugh, each quiet moment of reflection, all of it a priceless, nearly matchless, gift of their love for me. I can only hope to bring others to the opportunity of it. Each part of myself I unchained-with their permission and help-led me closer and closer to God, which is to say, closer and closer to love. I have struggles still, I rebel against goodness on occassion, but overall, encompassing each heady moment of my life, is a knowlegde of life and love and The Supreme Being guiding me lovingly through it all. It's wonderful to let yourself go enough to build self-discipline and restraint, to learn what things are better to wait for or ignore or recklessly take part in.
I remember in my senior year of high school Ruth gave us the assignment to write our personal credos. I was afraid at the time to do so, so I made all kind of excuses to demand my time until it came out that I didn't do the assignment, or didn't do it honestly, dashing off something trite and pleasing (I don't remember anymore). In my mind, I can see the beautiful slashed thorugh green zero I was meant to earn for it. It was like a mark on me, right there on my forehead, or even worse, stamped on each of my actions. I think that since that time I've been testing the waters, trying to see what I believe enough in to make a part of my guiding life's motto. I think I'm ready to write that now, and solidify the values I care most about. I think that's what I've been trying to say tonight.
My Personal Credo
Treat people better than they deserve, so that you may recieve the same room for error when you really need it.
Trust, that you may be trusted.
Strive to understand.
Give the benifit of the doubt.
See the best in everything.
Laugh when you need to. Even more important, CRY when you need to. Give yourself space to feel as you need to.
Be there for others. They'll be there for you.
Don't run faster than you have strength to run. There is only grief to be found in that.
Spend time with your family. Even if you don't really understand thier way of saying it, they love you and want to help.
Trust God. He KNOWS what He's doing and you have no real clue, after all.
Let go of the things that hurt you.
Be as generous as you can, and push that limit often that it may grow.
Simply—
Live the best you can.
(written March 26, 2008)
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